forgiveness:
act of forgiving; state of being forgiven.
disposition or willingness to forgive.
1. Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes, or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.
2. Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings, or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.
3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.
4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow, and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt, and pain over this offense.
5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful, or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.
6. Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It is the opening up of yourself to that person to be vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen and heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is equally as high a human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.
7. Forgiving is the act of love between you and a person who has hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full, functional, living reality.
8. Forgiving is the God like gift of spiritually connecting with others, touching their hearts to calm the fear of rejection, quiet the sense of failure, and lighten the burden of guilt. Forgetting is the God like gift of spiritually touching others' hearts with the reassurance of a happy and full life with no fear of recrimination, remonstrations, or reminding of past offenses.
9. Forgiving is the act of letting go of temporary ill will, disappointment, or the disgust that arises from the break in your relationship. Forgetting is bridging this gap in the relationship, eventually strengthening it against such a break in the future.
10. Forgiving is an act of compassion, humanity, and gentleness by which you let another know that she/he is indeed a child of the universe upon whom a variety of graces and blessings have been showered and that current or past offenses need not be a barrier preventing goodness and worth to shine through. Forgetting is the act of encouragement, support, and reinforcement by which you assist the other person to rebuild, reconnect and re-establish a loving, caring, healthy relationship with you, others, and the world whereby gifts, talents, and skills are freely appreciated and shared.
lets face it. We often have traumatic experiences in our lives where we come to the road of keeping a grudge, or letting it go and forgiving someone. Whether it is something stupid, like someone told one of your secrets to someone else, or possibly someone cheating on you, leaving you, what if someone died and you blame them for leaving you alone?
Really read this entire entry over and over until you can understand its full meaning. It is here to help you understand that it is ok to remember stuff that has happened, but you will never be a fully adjusted person, unless you release the baggage and not only forgive the other person, but forgive yourself.
So take three long deep breaths and just say, I forgive you...whether its them..or you...Forgiveness will need to come eventually.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
For better or For worse
So, I didnt get to make it to this discussion, but it interested me, simply because there is a Dom I am considering to belong to, but he has stomach cancer. So, it would be difficult, as it is in stage three, so he doenst have long to live. So, even if it is a depressing topic, and read, I feel it holds truth, and the person has had experience in it.
Please do not steal this work, and claim it as your own. If you want to share it, please keep the bottom in tact, as he has written this himself, and he deserves full credit. Thank you Eric.
"In sickness and in health". These are the words that a couple say to each other at a marriage ceremony. It can also pertain to the comments or feelings that transpire between a Dominant and a submissive at a collaring ceremony. In today's lecture W/we are going to explore some of the ramifications of uttering and swearing to such an encompassing statement.
"In sickness and in health". Well its pretty easy to accept the "health" part isn't it? If everything turns out healthy then really there isn't a problem at all is there? But what of the opposite? What if the Dominant or the submissive becomes embroiled in "sickness"? How does either party deal with that eventuality?
Today let U/us look at both sides of the "sickness" dilemma. Lets look at what happens if the submissive becomes ill or incapasitated and also what can happen if the Dominant becomes ill or incapasitated. In both scenarios things can and do change drastically. How do the T/two cope with these changes?
Let U/us first explore what can happen if the submissive becomes sick and because of that sickness is unable to fully continue in the role that he or she had previously had no problem in performing.
Now, of course, a short term disability to being able to perform in the capacity that they previously performed is not really a problem. The Dominant should of course be able to guide and nuture and support Their submissive through a short term period without much difficulty or distress. The problem here that I wish to address is a long term disability, one where the submissive can not perform his or her duties for a long period or perhaps be unable to perform them ever again in the same way as they were able to before.
W/we all know what I am talking about. Cancer, heart attack, physical or emotional disability.How does the Dominant respond? How should the Dominant respond? How does the submissive respond? How should the submissive respond? Let U/us look at these four questions individually.
HOW DOES THE DOMINANT RESPOND:
Through My experience in this Life I have seen this situation arise and have seen several ways in which the Dominant has responded.
1. The Dominant can accept the situation, take care of His or Her submissive to the best of Their ability, and move foward knowing that Their submissive is incapable of performing certain duties and chores. The Dominant can alter or change the duties and requirements that They demand of Their submissive.
2. The Dominant may aquire a new submissive to take the place of the incapasitated submissive, while continuing to provide for the original submissive the care they need to the best of the Dominant's ability to do so.
3. The Dominant just releases the submissive who is incapable of performing the required duties and moves foward.
4. The Dominant can respond by allowing the situation to dictate the outcome falling into a state of depression and inertia unable to cope with or to alieviate the situation.
HOW DOES THE SUBMISSIVE RESPOND:
1. The submissive can accept the situation, do as much as they can to fullfill their role to the best of their ability, offerring possible alterations or changes to allow themselves to perform their duties as best as they can.
2. The submissive can accept that perhaps since they are unable to perform their duties, the Dominant has a right to bring into the relationship a new submissive who can perform the duties that submissive can not perform.
3. The submissive can withdraw from the relationship, asking for and receiving his or her release from the Dominant.
4. The submissive can respond by allowing the disability to dictate the outcome and become depressed and incapable of moving foward in any direction.
HOW SHOULD THE DOMINANT/submissive RESPOND:
How the Dominant and the submissive respond is a very personal matter. It is My belief that first off, open communication between the Dominant and the submissive is of vital necesity. Only through truly open communication between the Dominant and the submissive can a plan of action be determined and a path that meets and responds to the needs of BOTH the Dominant AND the submissive be found and followed. In My mind at least the fourth response is the one that at all costs should be avoided. Allowing the situation to dictate and not the Dominant and the submissive will in most cases lead to a poor outcome. Through open communication and trust a solution can be found which might not be optimum but at least takes into consideration the needs of BOTH the Dominant and the submissive allowing for at least a greater chance of a positive outcome.
There was a period where I had surgery on My neck, became incapasitated , actually became addicted to the pain killers, and was close to death. My ella, in response to this situation had to , besides of course caring for Me to the best of her ability, assume a position of authority. During this period I was incapable of making sound decisions both for Myself and for her. My ella had to make ALL the decisions affecting both herself and Me. My ella had to assume the Dominant role to protect and guide U/us both through this period due to My inability to do so Myself.
It was a very trying period of O/our relationship. It was much more of a huge task for her because she was aware of what was going on and I was not. My ella alone, without My guidance or help had to handle ALL the problems which arose and guide U/us both through this period of distress and upheaval. Needless to say she got U/us both through it. I recovered and it was all due to her ability to do the things she was forced to do by the situation. My ella did remakedly well and I like to think that it was because of My previous teaching and guidance that she was strong enough to do the things she had to do.
Now, of course. it would be nice to say that was simply it. My submissive "rose to the occasion" and got U/us through a difficult time by assuming a Dominant role that was forced upon her and doing what needed to be done. But there were ramifications of her actions. There are ramifications of the submissive reversing their role, even for a short period of time. Let U/us explore the main ramification.
The major ramification was the difficulty of U/us both, after the crisis had passed, of reassumming O/our previous roles of Dominant and submissive. S/some may feel that this is an easy resumption of the roles O/our natures had assigned U/us but in reality it proved more difficult.
Once a submissive has had to assume the role of a Dominant, even for a short period of time, it requires a relearning of the original role, both for the Dominant and the submissive. I do believe that it is easier for the Dominant, though difficult at times cause the Dominant always can remember how easily His or Her Dominance was ripped from Themselves.
For the submissive however it can be much more difficult to resume the role of the submissive once they have been in the role of the Dominant. It requires a relearning of their true nature, a re-establishing of trust in the Dominant's capabilities, both to guide and to teach. It requires the submissive to once again accept that the Dominant knows what is best and relinquish the control over things, especially if they did a great job of controlling things during the crisis.
It can be a long process and a process that requires a great deal of open communication and recommitment on the parts of both the Dominant AND the submissive. It can be almost like starting over. During this "re-aclimation" period the Dominant has to be extra patient as He or She goes through the process of in reality "re-educating" Their submissive.
In the case of a long term illness the role reversal becomes more entrenched and might be unable to allow the submissive the ability to ever truly revert back to the way he or she was before.
As I reach the conclution of this lecture I realize that it was quite a depressing subject. But I do feel that it was a subject that needed to be talked about. P/peopkle do get ill and illness/sickness does have a very nasty way of interferring with O/our lives. But I do believe that through open communication and maintaining a firm commitment the Dominant and the submissive can survive, learn and grow. I truly hope none of Y/you face this situation anytime soon but I hope Y/you and Y/yours will discuss between Y/yourselves the possibility and have a plan in place if the neccessity arises.
Written and discussed by Ericella Sixpence of Second Life
Posted at 08:11 am by FiainHeart
Make a comment Permalink
BDSM Basics
I met a man on Secondlife. He is from England, and he has been a very close man to me. Granted I have only known him shortly, but he has been the opening of my door to so many different advances in my bdsm life. So, he holds dicussions on Second life related to bdsm, in fact he has one today at 11 am pacific time. So I get to go to it. Anyways, this is my first dicussion related to bdsm, and I figured I would share it. I want to thank ( Lord Baccarin ) for helping, and for giving out this information.
Please do not use this work as your own. The people who give this information have taken time to throw it together to help out people who are new, so make sure if you do use it, you do not claim the work as your own. That is called Plagiarism, and could land you in a law suit.
WHAT IS BDSM ?
- The term is an acronym. It stands for Bondage & Discipine, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.
- BDSM are activities that evolve around the mentioned terms.
- Examples: It can range from basic things to spice up the intimacy, such as spankings, to more "advanced" ones such as whips and even to living the BDSM lifestyle. Which one you choose is entirely up to you and your partner, no right or wrong.
¡¡
BASIC TERMS:
- Top: a partner who takes the giving part in a situation / play.
- Dom (Domme for female): a partner who takes the dominant part in a relationship / lifestyle.
- Master/Mistress: usually reserved title for our dominant partner.
- Bottom: a partner who takes the receiving part in a situation / play.
- Sub/slave: a partner who takes the submissive part in a relationship / lifestyle.
¡¡
ARE THEY ANY RULES? Oh yes, of course.
- SSC: meaning Safe, Sane, Consensual. Activities have to be considered safe and sane by both, the consensual part is the most important.
- LIMITS - have to be respected at all times.
- - Soft limits: things we won't do, but if the time/place/partner is right, we could try.
- - Hard limits: things we don't do. Period. Not now, not in 100 years.
- SAFEWORDS: pre-agreed words/signs used when things go wrong and the play needs to be stopped. Anyone can call them at any time. Absolutely to be respected, otherwise things can go wrong very badly. Examples: feeling dizzy, the spankings are too hard, you remembered the owen is on ...
- AFTERCARE: Activities to do after a play sceene to "get back to normal". Have cold water handy, make the partner comfy, rub their limbs, etc. Aftercare is applied for both, not just the receiving partner, because it takes mental/physical toll on the giving/dominant partner also.
- ETIQUETTE: Rules employed by specific groups. Learn them if you want to be in their presence, respect them and don't tell them the rules are stupid. You can choose not to be there.
- "THE TAKEN RULE": If you see someone has a partner, stay away. Would you want your partner to be harrased all the time ? See?
¡¡
ANYTHING ELSE? Yup ¨C tips to start:
- If you already have a partner: Start by having your eyes tied with a silk scarf while making love, tie his hands behind his/her back softly, ask them to not move at all while pleasuring them, etc.
- If you don't have a partner: Now that you discovered this wonderfull world - DO NOT RUSH. Find a suitable partner. Yes, they exist. If you rush, you won't get what you seek for, because the partner won't fit. Take your time, get to know them.
¡¡
¡¡
Good luck and many happy moments.
Your
D/s Learning Hall Staff
¡¡
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Notecard created by
D/s Learning Hall Staff @ Iddi Wardell's D/s Learning Hall
(Notcard may be freely distributed for non-commercial use but we ask you to not remove this footer.)
Please do not steal this work, and claim it as your own. If you want to share it, please keep the bottom in tact, as he has written this himself, and he deserves full credit. Thank you Eric.
"In sickness and in health". These are the words that a couple say to each other at a marriage ceremony. It can also pertain to the comments or feelings that transpire between a Dominant and a submissive at a collaring ceremony. In today's lecture W/we are going to explore some of the ramifications of uttering and swearing to such an encompassing statement.
"In sickness and in health". Well its pretty easy to accept the "health" part isn't it? If everything turns out healthy then really there isn't a problem at all is there? But what of the opposite? What if the Dominant or the submissive becomes embroiled in "sickness"? How does either party deal with that eventuality?
Today let U/us look at both sides of the "sickness" dilemma. Lets look at what happens if the submissive becomes ill or incapasitated and also what can happen if the Dominant becomes ill or incapasitated. In both scenarios things can and do change drastically. How do the T/two cope with these changes?
Let U/us first explore what can happen if the submissive becomes sick and because of that sickness is unable to fully continue in the role that he or she had previously had no problem in performing.
Now, of course, a short term disability to being able to perform in the capacity that they previously performed is not really a problem. The Dominant should of course be able to guide and nuture and support Their submissive through a short term period without much difficulty or distress. The problem here that I wish to address is a long term disability, one where the submissive can not perform his or her duties for a long period or perhaps be unable to perform them ever again in the same way as they were able to before.
W/we all know what I am talking about. Cancer, heart attack, physical or emotional disability.How does the Dominant respond? How should the Dominant respond? How does the submissive respond? How should the submissive respond? Let U/us look at these four questions individually.
HOW DOES THE DOMINANT RESPOND:
Through My experience in this Life I have seen this situation arise and have seen several ways in which the Dominant has responded.
1. The Dominant can accept the situation, take care of His or Her submissive to the best of Their ability, and move foward knowing that Their submissive is incapable of performing certain duties and chores. The Dominant can alter or change the duties and requirements that They demand of Their submissive.
2. The Dominant may aquire a new submissive to take the place of the incapasitated submissive, while continuing to provide for the original submissive the care they need to the best of the Dominant's ability to do so.
3. The Dominant just releases the submissive who is incapable of performing the required duties and moves foward.
4. The Dominant can respond by allowing the situation to dictate the outcome falling into a state of depression and inertia unable to cope with or to alieviate the situation.
HOW DOES THE SUBMISSIVE RESPOND:
1. The submissive can accept the situation, do as much as they can to fullfill their role to the best of their ability, offerring possible alterations or changes to allow themselves to perform their duties as best as they can.
2. The submissive can accept that perhaps since they are unable to perform their duties, the Dominant has a right to bring into the relationship a new submissive who can perform the duties that submissive can not perform.
3. The submissive can withdraw from the relationship, asking for and receiving his or her release from the Dominant.
4. The submissive can respond by allowing the disability to dictate the outcome and become depressed and incapable of moving foward in any direction.
HOW SHOULD THE DOMINANT/submissive RESPOND:
How the Dominant and the submissive respond is a very personal matter. It is My belief that first off, open communication between the Dominant and the submissive is of vital necesity. Only through truly open communication between the Dominant and the submissive can a plan of action be determined and a path that meets and responds to the needs of BOTH the Dominant AND the submissive be found and followed. In My mind at least the fourth response is the one that at all costs should be avoided. Allowing the situation to dictate and not the Dominant and the submissive will in most cases lead to a poor outcome. Through open communication and trust a solution can be found which might not be optimum but at least takes into consideration the needs of BOTH the Dominant and the submissive allowing for at least a greater chance of a positive outcome.
There was a period where I had surgery on My neck, became incapasitated , actually became addicted to the pain killers, and was close to death. My ella, in response to this situation had to , besides of course caring for Me to the best of her ability, assume a position of authority. During this period I was incapable of making sound decisions both for Myself and for her. My ella had to make ALL the decisions affecting both herself and Me. My ella had to assume the Dominant role to protect and guide U/us both through this period due to My inability to do so Myself.
It was a very trying period of O/our relationship. It was much more of a huge task for her because she was aware of what was going on and I was not. My ella alone, without My guidance or help had to handle ALL the problems which arose and guide U/us both through this period of distress and upheaval. Needless to say she got U/us both through it. I recovered and it was all due to her ability to do the things she was forced to do by the situation. My ella did remakedly well and I like to think that it was because of My previous teaching and guidance that she was strong enough to do the things she had to do.
Now, of course. it would be nice to say that was simply it. My submissive "rose to the occasion" and got U/us through a difficult time by assuming a Dominant role that was forced upon her and doing what needed to be done. But there were ramifications of her actions. There are ramifications of the submissive reversing their role, even for a short period of time. Let U/us explore the main ramification.
The major ramification was the difficulty of U/us both, after the crisis had passed, of reassumming O/our previous roles of Dominant and submissive. S/some may feel that this is an easy resumption of the roles O/our natures had assigned U/us but in reality it proved more difficult.
Once a submissive has had to assume the role of a Dominant, even for a short period of time, it requires a relearning of the original role, both for the Dominant and the submissive. I do believe that it is easier for the Dominant, though difficult at times cause the Dominant always can remember how easily His or Her Dominance was ripped from Themselves.
For the submissive however it can be much more difficult to resume the role of the submissive once they have been in the role of the Dominant. It requires a relearning of their true nature, a re-establishing of trust in the Dominant's capabilities, both to guide and to teach. It requires the submissive to once again accept that the Dominant knows what is best and relinquish the control over things, especially if they did a great job of controlling things during the crisis.
It can be a long process and a process that requires a great deal of open communication and recommitment on the parts of both the Dominant AND the submissive. It can be almost like starting over. During this "re-aclimation" period the Dominant has to be extra patient as He or She goes through the process of in reality "re-educating" Their submissive.
In the case of a long term illness the role reversal becomes more entrenched and might be unable to allow the submissive the ability to ever truly revert back to the way he or she was before.
As I reach the conclution of this lecture I realize that it was quite a depressing subject. But I do feel that it was a subject that needed to be talked about. P/peopkle do get ill and illness/sickness does have a very nasty way of interferring with O/our lives. But I do believe that through open communication and maintaining a firm commitment the Dominant and the submissive can survive, learn and grow. I truly hope none of Y/you face this situation anytime soon but I hope Y/you and Y/yours will discuss between Y/yourselves the possibility and have a plan in place if the neccessity arises.
Written and discussed by Ericella Sixpence of Second Life
Posted at 08:11 am by FiainHeart
Make a comment Permalink
BDSM Basics
I met a man on Secondlife. He is from England, and he has been a very close man to me. Granted I have only known him shortly, but he has been the opening of my door to so many different advances in my bdsm life. So, he holds dicussions on Second life related to bdsm, in fact he has one today at 11 am pacific time. So I get to go to it. Anyways, this is my first dicussion related to bdsm, and I figured I would share it. I want to thank ( Lord Baccarin ) for helping, and for giving out this information.
Please do not use this work as your own. The people who give this information have taken time to throw it together to help out people who are new, so make sure if you do use it, you do not claim the work as your own. That is called Plagiarism, and could land you in a law suit.
WHAT IS BDSM ?
- The term is an acronym. It stands for Bondage & Discipine, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.
- BDSM are activities that evolve around the mentioned terms.
- Examples: It can range from basic things to spice up the intimacy, such as spankings, to more "advanced" ones such as whips and even to living the BDSM lifestyle. Which one you choose is entirely up to you and your partner, no right or wrong.
¡¡
BASIC TERMS:
- Top: a partner who takes the giving part in a situation / play.
- Dom (Domme for female): a partner who takes the dominant part in a relationship / lifestyle.
- Master/Mistress: usually reserved title for our dominant partner.
- Bottom: a partner who takes the receiving part in a situation / play.
- Sub/slave: a partner who takes the submissive part in a relationship / lifestyle.
¡¡
ARE THEY ANY RULES? Oh yes, of course.
- SSC: meaning Safe, Sane, Consensual. Activities have to be considered safe and sane by both, the consensual part is the most important.
- LIMITS - have to be respected at all times.
- - Soft limits: things we won't do, but if the time/place/partner is right, we could try.
- - Hard limits: things we don't do. Period. Not now, not in 100 years.
- SAFEWORDS: pre-agreed words/signs used when things go wrong and the play needs to be stopped. Anyone can call them at any time. Absolutely to be respected, otherwise things can go wrong very badly. Examples: feeling dizzy, the spankings are too hard, you remembered the owen is on ...
- AFTERCARE: Activities to do after a play sceene to "get back to normal". Have cold water handy, make the partner comfy, rub their limbs, etc. Aftercare is applied for both, not just the receiving partner, because it takes mental/physical toll on the giving/dominant partner also.
- ETIQUETTE: Rules employed by specific groups. Learn them if you want to be in their presence, respect them and don't tell them the rules are stupid. You can choose not to be there.
- "THE TAKEN RULE": If you see someone has a partner, stay away. Would you want your partner to be harrased all the time ? See?
¡¡
ANYTHING ELSE? Yup ¨C tips to start:
- If you already have a partner: Start by having your eyes tied with a silk scarf while making love, tie his hands behind his/her back softly, ask them to not move at all while pleasuring them, etc.
- If you don't have a partner: Now that you discovered this wonderfull world - DO NOT RUSH. Find a suitable partner. Yes, they exist. If you rush, you won't get what you seek for, because the partner won't fit. Take your time, get to know them.
¡¡
¡¡
Good luck and many happy moments.
Your
D/s Learning Hall Staff
¡¡
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Notecard created by
D/s Learning Hall Staff @ Iddi Wardell's D/s Learning Hall
(Notcard may be freely distributed for non-commercial use but we ask you to not remove this footer.)
How to Interview a potential Dom/sub
Interviewing a Dom/sub
I was given this in passing at a small munch on SL. So I thought I would share it. The words are NOT my own, but I feel they are wise, and the questions are smart. Feel free to pass along, just make sure not to claim the work as your own, as that is plagiarism.
"Interviewing a Prospective D/s - BDSM Partner"
Over the past few years, as i have explored and then jumped into this lifestyle, one of the recurring questions i've heard is... "How do you find a good Dominant?" There are several articles on the Net suggesting places to look... local D/s-BDSM groups, introductions from friends, online, personals, etc. What i haven't run across yet is ... what questions should i ask a prospective Dominant once I've found one of interest? Hence, this essay.
By way of introduction, let me say that i have been a professional marketing researcher for over 10 years. i have taught literally hundreds of interviewers the best way to ask questions to elicit information. Those questioning techniques are the ones included in this article.
Some may take offense at the idea that someone is interviewing a prospective partner. It may sound cold and calculating. i guess, imho, the task of finding a suitable partner should be taken as least as seriously as finding out whether someone is qualified to stand behind a stainless steel counter and ask "Do you want fries with that?"
i had originally entitled this essay "Interviewing a Prospective Dominant." But after thinking of the goal of an interview, and thinking of the kinds of questions to be included in such an interview, there is no reason why the same questions couldn't be asked of either a Dominant or a submissive.
Now i know that this essay could be fraught with those politically correct "he/she" "Top/Dominant/Master/Mistress/bottom/submissive/charge/slave" words. Because this is being written for a website aimed at primarily heterosexual novice submissives, i will err toward the Dominant/He--submissive/she terminology. Please "sub"stitute the words that make you feel most comfortable.
These are just general guidelines of the types of questions to ask a prospective partner. Some of the questions may be of no interest to you, and you can scratch those from the list. You will undoubtedly have other information that you will wish to gather, and you'll want to add questions to discover that. For example, if you are evaluating someone for a future playsession, you may or may not wish to go into the in-depth questions that are presented here. On the other hand, if you are evaluating a potential life mate, these questions could be just a start of a lifetime of conversation.
Keep in mind that during the information-gathering stage, through negotiations and up to the moment that submission and acceptance occurs, you are speaking as equals. Neither individual should feel reluctant to ask or answer questions "in order to form a more perfect Union."
General Suggestions
The most revealing answers will come from "open-ended" questions. Avoid questions that can be answered "yes" or "no", unless you have a follow-up question that gives the individual a chance to explain the answer.
You will probably not want to sit across a desk or restaurant table with a list of questions, taking notes during your conversation. It might be *just* a tad intimidating. Inquisitiveness is a good thing--inquisition is not. i give you a couple of suggestions here.
1. Suggest a game of "one-on-one truth or dare," in which you set the stage for questions to be exchanged between you. If this is done online, you can log the conversation to be reviewed later. You might want to suggest that you keep the game at "truth" questions, with no dares, until you know each other better. It's all about what is most comfortable to you. Jay Wiseman has some suggestions for playing "kinky truth or dare" here: Jay's Truth or Dare rules
2. You can simply ask your prospective partner if you could ask a few questions to get to know him better. Or, if he starts asking questions, you should always feel comfortable asking him questions in return.
3. Weave these questions into general conversation when the opportunity presents itself. You will be seen as a "good conversationalist," especially when you keep the other person talking about himself or herself.
4. If you are corresponding in email, you may want to suggest a "question of the day." i have had occasion where this worked particularly well.... the rule that we had was, if i asked a question, he would answer it, but then i had to give him *my* answer to the same question.
This raises another suggestion. Before you ask these questions, think about the types of answers you would give to them if you were answering them, AND what kinds of answers you hope to hear from your partner. If you approach this information-gathering exercise with objectivity, you are more likely to find someone with whom you are compatible.
Probing and Clarifying Responses
As a good friend reminded me (thanks Mary!), follow-up questions usually yield more information than the original answer. "Probe" questions are used to get to full lists of things; "clarifying" questions are used to get more detail or explanations about things.
Use the time-tested research technique of asking "what else" to get the person to continue talking. "What else did you like to do as a kid?" "What else do you see yourself doing in five years?" In face-to-face conversations, you can "probe" or "clarify" using body language. A quizzical look.. a "hmmmmmm...not sure i understand"... even your silence, accompanied by a nod, will encourage someone to keep talking.
If you hear something in an answer that intrigues you, or concerns you, or surprises you, ask more about it. To get the details, you can use follow-up questions, referring to the specific point you wish to clarify, such as:
1. You mentioned _____. That's really interesting to me. Can you tell me more about that?
2. I'm not sure i understand _______, can you give me an example of that?
3. Hmmmm fascinating... why do you feel _____ was important?
4. That's just the kind of answer i was hoping to hear... tell me more, please!
By the way, i probably learn as much about a person by what they *don't* tell me as what they do. How long do they take to answer a question? Do they evade it, or redirect it, or suddenly have to take a phone call? Avoidance of a question is a red flag for me. In a person-to-person conversation, watch body language... shifting of the eyes, crossing the arms in front of the body, turning away from you are all indications of someone being ill at ease with the question.
Listen, Listen, LISTEN!
i'm saving the most important aspect of this communication lesson for the last of this section. Regardless of how insightful the question is, or how complete the answer, it is for naught if you don't LISTEN. Ask the question, listen for what is said and what is not said, ask follow up questions and really concentrate on what is being communicated to you. Don't be thinking of the next question, or a comment you want to make. LISTEN. Look into their eyes if you are face to face. Study the expression on their face, and how they position their body. If you are on the phone, you may want to make quick notes of comments that you wish to probe or clarify later.
Now, on to the questions themselves:
Character Questions
1. Please tell me a story of your childhood that helps me better understand the person you are today. This is my all-time favorite, no-fail question. Be prepared for humor, pathos, and even secret revelations of past embarassments and triumphs that they haven't thought of in years.
2. What do you feel is your greatest failure thus far, and what did you learn from it? This one could reveal financial difficulties, or relationship problems, career burps, or other life bumps in the road. Beware the person who will admit to no failures. Either they are not being honest with you, or masters of deceiving themselves.
3. The mate to the preceding question, And what do you feel is your greatest success? Listen to the answers here, and in #2 above. If they are career oriented and you want a homebody, there may be incompatibility.
4. Who has been the most influential person in your life, up till now, and why? If he says its his mother, you *might* want to find out, subtly, if he's still living with her. If it's the shop teacher that taught him how to build sturdy equipment, or the Boy Scout troop leader who taught him knots, you may well be on the right track!
5. What do you feel are your strengths, and what do you feel you would like to change or improve? Does he struggle with this answer? Or can he give you lists quickly, off the top of his head? This question is designed to evaluate how well he knows himself, and how comfortable he is sharing his downside, as well as his upside. Are the responses about physical characteristics, or personal traits?
6. How would you describe your personal values and beliefs? "Greed is good" tells you one thing. "The Golden Rule" tells you something else entirely.
7. If you could break one law, and *know* that you could get by with it and not be prosecuted, what would it be? Why? Violent crimes (rape, murder, etc.) would be red flags for me.
8. What are your life dreams and ambitions? How do the dreams and ambitions you have now compare to the ones you had 10-20-30 years ago? What do they want to do with their life? What have they accomplished thus far, of the goals they had set for themselves in early adulthood?
9. If i were to have lunch with the person with whom you were involved most recently, what would i know of you by the time we ordered dessert? This one gives you insight as to how relationships end, level of honesty, and whether you're apt to encounter any "baggage" from that last relationship.
10. What question are you dreading that i will ask? What are they hiding? What do they wish you not to know? What part of their personality would they prefer to closet? Whether you actually *ask* them this question is up to you. Personally, i couldn't stand not asking <chuckle>.
11. What question do you hope i will ask you? This gives the person the opportunity to tell you something they consider to be very important about them. Judge for yourself the worthiness of what they feel is important. i would definitely ask them to give you the answer to this one.
"Life" Questions
I'm skipping the standard questions that everyone customarily asks... Career choice, what do you look like (if a non-personal communication), pets, yadda yadda. Don't forget to ask those, as well.
1. I'd like to get more of a feel for you. What does your home look like? (Follow-up question) Is it a house, apartment, condo, or what? (If you are communicating online or on the phone) Describe the room you are in right now or Describe your favorite room of the house. This may yield clues to financial stability, whether his ex moved out and took all the furniture, if he lives in a pigsty, if he's anal-retentive about cleanliness...even if he's living in a spare room of his office. Don't laugh..it's happened to me!
2. Would you tell me a bit about the past relationships in your life? Listen for *how* the past involvements are described, as a whole. Are there any recurring themes here? Do they speak ill of EVERY past involvement? Do they remain friends with their ex's? Are they long term or a string of short term relationships? Ask followup questions and really probe and clarify this question. In this one, the past does tend to predict the future.
3. Why are you looking for a partner now? What is your current relationship status? In the past, i've used such probes as: "So... are there any crazy ex's in your life who are likely to serve me rabbit stew?" This is also a good time to ask about children, marital status, whether the person has any other submissives, if there's a messy divorce looming, etc. If he's married, does his spouse know of his D/s-BDSM interest? Does she share it, or is she vanilla? You will need to decide for yourself how important this issue is for you.
4. Do you face any health issues? (If yes).. What are they? Are there any physical limitations that might affect interactions between us? For example, a submissive friend of mine was speaking with a Dominant who, she found out later, was suffering the early stages of Alzheimers. People i have been with have admitted, afterward, of having suffered heart attacks. Good follow-up questions here are about smoking, alcohol intake, and use of recreational or prescription drugs.
This raises the "safer sex" question. i've found it easier to bring up the subject myself by saying "i am tested every 6 months for all STDs and HIV, and my most recent test was _____. How about you? Are you fluid-bound with anyone?" Make plans to exchange test results, or pledge to be tested before getting together, etc.
5. What do you like to do for leisure activities? Look for common interests. If you're a movie/reading/music couch potato, you may want to shy away from Master Crocodile Dundee.
6. How do you envision your life 5 years from now? 10 years? How will it differ, or be similar, to the life you are living today? Look for realistic life goals. See if they mesh with yours.
7. What kind of car do you drive, and why did you buy that one? Men tend to choose cars that reflect themselves or their life situation. If they drive a station wagon or minivan, that tells me "family". If they drive a Volvo, i tend to think "reliable and down-to-earth." Porsche tells me... "vrooooom and exhibitionist."
8. Describe two typical days for you... one of your work days, and one of your days off. This will tell you the level of responsibility he has at work, the kinds of stresses that he experiences, how involved he is in his job. It will also tell you the ways he unwinds.
9. What did you study in school? What were your favorite courses? Did you have any teachers who influenced you more than others? If they went to college or technical school, why did they choose the major or subject they did? Do they have any plans to continue their education?
10. What are your pet peeves? What really ticks you off? And how do you react when you're angry? This will give you a list of things to avoid, and also give an indication of their level of self-control over their anger.
"Lifestyle" Questions
There are several sites on the Net that include an extensive list of scene elements. BDSM Partner Checklist is the best organized and easy to use that i have found on the Web. If there are activities that either of you wish to do that are NOT on this list, don't forget to add them before completing the checklist.
For a pretty good indication of compatibility between you, i would suggest that you both complete this list, independently, and compare your answers. Talk about each answer. Get specifics about experience. "How many times do you think you've used a flog?" "Can you give me a sense of how hard you hit with a crop?" "I don't know what _____ is. Can you explain it to me?" As you're going through the list, ask which elements are "specialties of the house"...things he prefers to do, things he LOVES to do. This conversation alone could take hours--even days--and, if fully probed and clarified, will naturally lead to a discussion of limits, past experience, wants and desires.
If you are negotiating a one-time or casual interaction, at a minimum, you review this list and go through a discussion of "Must have / Don't want to try / Dying to try / NO WAY" of the scene elements that could be included.
If you are considering a long-term relationship, though, my recommendation is to wait a long time before dragging out the list. The discussion of specific elements and activities seems to intensify the feelings between the two, as the hormones get *really* involved at this stage. You want to stay objective as long as possible. Ask these kinds of questions first:
1. What are you looking for? This is a wide-open question, and it's intended to be probed, clarified, examined, re-asked and closely evaluated. Do they mention relationship?... the "f" word?... 24/7?... play partner?.. afternoon delight?... soulmate? ...an occasional play scene? How does the answer jibe with what you want?
2. What is your personal philosophy of (Dominance/submission)? Do you describe yourself as a Top, or Dominant, or Master-Mistress, and what do you feel is the difference among these? Why do you feel you are _____ as opposed to something else? Do these definitions match yours? There are so many different flavors in this lifestyle... D/s (dominance and submission)... BD (bondage and discipline)... SM (sadism and masochism)... varying intensities and levels of sensuality... even combinations of DS, BD, and SM... relationships with sexual contact, or without... It's very important to get this clarified right up front. i call it, making sure the kinks match.
3. Have you ever been a Dominant/submissive/Top/bottom/Master-Mistress/slave? (whatever is the opposite of whatever the person is today.) (If yes) Tell me more about that? What did you learn from that experience that you feel makes you a better (whatever the person is today.)? (If no) Why haven't you? Would you ever like to? Why or why not?
4. What is the most important advice you give to newcomers, both to Dominants and submissives, who are exploring D/s-BDSM? This will give you some insight as to how much they have counseled newcomers, as well as give you an idea of their perspective about what is important to them.
5. What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you during a scene? Asking this question will be an indication of the person's sense of humor, will get some specifics on the types of things that could come up.
6. How long have you been actively (Dominant/submissive) and how did you discover it? Watch out for the "i have been in the scene for 25 years" kind of answer, especially if the person is only 40 years old. Do the math. Probe to find out if that is continuous experience, or if there are lengthy retreats to the vanilla world.
7. Let's talk a bit about scenes. What's the most intense scene you've done? What's a "typical" scene for you? Has anyone ever gotten injured during a scene you were involved in? Describe a scene that you have always wanted to do, but haven't yet. What techniques or tools do you wish to learn? This will get to some discussion of likes and dislikes, as well as fantasies, and will also tell you if this prospective partner realizes that they "don't know it all."
8. How do you feel about polyamory? (having multiple submissives seems to be the most frequent model of polyamory) Is this something you would wish to experience? Have you had polyamorous relationships in the past? Talk this one through a LOT. This one's a biggie! And make sure *you* know how you would answer it for yourself, because it's almost guaranteed to be asked of you in return.
9. What is your sexual orientation? If there is any interest in same-sex interactions, either as a participant or observer? (if you are speaking to someone who is heterosexual)? If either party is interested in partaking of a wider sexual smorgasbord, how will those interests and desires be met within the relationship? Will you be *expected* to interact with others of the same sex?
10. What does a collar signify for you? How many times have you (given/received) a collar? There are those who feel a collar is tatamount to the lifetime commitment of a wedding ring; others think of it as a class ring, wrapped in mohair, to be removed and discarded on a whim.
11. If this is a relationship that will be conducted at a distance, find out What methods and techniques will you use to minimize the distance, to keep the connection strong between us? How often will we meet in person? Who will pay for travel expenses and long distance charges? It's better to get this discussion out of the way, because if it is a long-distance relationship, the issue is bound to come up.
12. How much control will be exerted within the relationship? Is it more a micromanagement style? (selecting clothes for the other, requiring constant contact, keeping daily time logs, etc.) A minimum amount of control? Will it be exerted at all times, or only when you are together, face-to-face? Are you comfortable with that?
13. What are your thoughts on punishment? What techniques does this person use to influence changes in unwanted behavior? Are they positive, reinforcing those things that please? Or are they punitive?
14. What will you expect of me? This question gets to "the rules" and design of the relationship. Can you accept these rules? What are his expectations in terms of "service" that you will provide? How will he expect you to dress? How will you be expected to behave in public? Does he expect you to scene in public, or will all of your interactions be private? Will humiliation be an aspect of the relationship? If so, what does he define as humiliation? Will you be expected to interact with others (either male or female) of his choosing? Will you be allowed to interact with others if you so choose?
15. If sex will be an element of the relationship, how do you define "sex"? This seems to be a pretty basic question, but you'll be surprised at the variety of answers to this one. Some have said, "the Clinton definition (penetration)"... others feel its anything beyond kissing... yet others have said, its anything that brings erotic pleasure. There's a lot of room for misunderstanding if you don't get it clear at the outset.
16. The last point is difficult, particularly for novices. If you are truly interested in a prospective partner, you will want to get the names of others who know this person *real time*, and better yet, those who have interacted with him or her. You might say, "It is my practice to ask for references before i meet/play with/scene with someone. Could you give me a couple of names and phone numbers?" If you both live in the same community, you could say, "I'm curious whether we might know some mutual people. Who do you know in the scene here?" "Do you belong to any of the local D/s-BDSM organizations?" If they tell you they frequent a particular chat room, you might visit that room and discretely ask about them. The community network is very active...use it to your benefit.
For this question especially, avoidance or dodging is a *major* red flag for me. i have heard some say, "I never reveal the names of my past encounters." That's well and good. Ask your prospective to get in touch with the reference, and ask him to give them YOUR name and get in touch with you.
In Closing
Thank you for taking the time to review this material. i'm sure that you have thought of questions of your own that have worked for you in the past, or will work for you in the future. You might want to drop a line (clairmatin@aol.com) to suggest questions of your own that would be included in updates to this site.
And i wish you much luck in your search and your exploration of this lifestyle! i truly hope these suggestions help you find someone qualified to stand behind a wood and leather spanking bench and ask "Do you want clamps with that?"
I was given this in passing at a small munch on SL. So I thought I would share it. The words are NOT my own, but I feel they are wise, and the questions are smart. Feel free to pass along, just make sure not to claim the work as your own, as that is plagiarism.
"Interviewing a Prospective D/s - BDSM Partner"
Over the past few years, as i have explored and then jumped into this lifestyle, one of the recurring questions i've heard is... "How do you find a good Dominant?" There are several articles on the Net suggesting places to look... local D/s-BDSM groups, introductions from friends, online, personals, etc. What i haven't run across yet is ... what questions should i ask a prospective Dominant once I've found one of interest? Hence, this essay.
By way of introduction, let me say that i have been a professional marketing researcher for over 10 years. i have taught literally hundreds of interviewers the best way to ask questions to elicit information. Those questioning techniques are the ones included in this article.
Some may take offense at the idea that someone is interviewing a prospective partner. It may sound cold and calculating. i guess, imho, the task of finding a suitable partner should be taken as least as seriously as finding out whether someone is qualified to stand behind a stainless steel counter and ask "Do you want fries with that?"
i had originally entitled this essay "Interviewing a Prospective Dominant." But after thinking of the goal of an interview, and thinking of the kinds of questions to be included in such an interview, there is no reason why the same questions couldn't be asked of either a Dominant or a submissive.
Now i know that this essay could be fraught with those politically correct "he/she" "Top/Dominant/Master/Mistress/bottom/submissive/charge/slave" words. Because this is being written for a website aimed at primarily heterosexual novice submissives, i will err toward the Dominant/He--submissive/she terminology. Please "sub"stitute the words that make you feel most comfortable.
These are just general guidelines of the types of questions to ask a prospective partner. Some of the questions may be of no interest to you, and you can scratch those from the list. You will undoubtedly have other information that you will wish to gather, and you'll want to add questions to discover that. For example, if you are evaluating someone for a future playsession, you may or may not wish to go into the in-depth questions that are presented here. On the other hand, if you are evaluating a potential life mate, these questions could be just a start of a lifetime of conversation.
Keep in mind that during the information-gathering stage, through negotiations and up to the moment that submission and acceptance occurs, you are speaking as equals. Neither individual should feel reluctant to ask or answer questions "in order to form a more perfect Union."
General Suggestions
The most revealing answers will come from "open-ended" questions. Avoid questions that can be answered "yes" or "no", unless you have a follow-up question that gives the individual a chance to explain the answer.
You will probably not want to sit across a desk or restaurant table with a list of questions, taking notes during your conversation. It might be *just* a tad intimidating. Inquisitiveness is a good thing--inquisition is not. i give you a couple of suggestions here.
1. Suggest a game of "one-on-one truth or dare," in which you set the stage for questions to be exchanged between you. If this is done online, you can log the conversation to be reviewed later. You might want to suggest that you keep the game at "truth" questions, with no dares, until you know each other better. It's all about what is most comfortable to you. Jay Wiseman has some suggestions for playing "kinky truth or dare" here: Jay's Truth or Dare rules
2. You can simply ask your prospective partner if you could ask a few questions to get to know him better. Or, if he starts asking questions, you should always feel comfortable asking him questions in return.
3. Weave these questions into general conversation when the opportunity presents itself. You will be seen as a "good conversationalist," especially when you keep the other person talking about himself or herself.
4. If you are corresponding in email, you may want to suggest a "question of the day." i have had occasion where this worked particularly well.... the rule that we had was, if i asked a question, he would answer it, but then i had to give him *my* answer to the same question.
This raises another suggestion. Before you ask these questions, think about the types of answers you would give to them if you were answering them, AND what kinds of answers you hope to hear from your partner. If you approach this information-gathering exercise with objectivity, you are more likely to find someone with whom you are compatible.
Probing and Clarifying Responses
As a good friend reminded me (thanks Mary!), follow-up questions usually yield more information than the original answer. "Probe" questions are used to get to full lists of things; "clarifying" questions are used to get more detail or explanations about things.
Use the time-tested research technique of asking "what else" to get the person to continue talking. "What else did you like to do as a kid?" "What else do you see yourself doing in five years?" In face-to-face conversations, you can "probe" or "clarify" using body language. A quizzical look.. a "hmmmmmm...not sure i understand"... even your silence, accompanied by a nod, will encourage someone to keep talking.
If you hear something in an answer that intrigues you, or concerns you, or surprises you, ask more about it. To get the details, you can use follow-up questions, referring to the specific point you wish to clarify, such as:
1. You mentioned _____. That's really interesting to me. Can you tell me more about that?
2. I'm not sure i understand _______, can you give me an example of that?
3. Hmmmm fascinating... why do you feel _____ was important?
4. That's just the kind of answer i was hoping to hear... tell me more, please!
By the way, i probably learn as much about a person by what they *don't* tell me as what they do. How long do they take to answer a question? Do they evade it, or redirect it, or suddenly have to take a phone call? Avoidance of a question is a red flag for me. In a person-to-person conversation, watch body language... shifting of the eyes, crossing the arms in front of the body, turning away from you are all indications of someone being ill at ease with the question.
Listen, Listen, LISTEN!
i'm saving the most important aspect of this communication lesson for the last of this section. Regardless of how insightful the question is, or how complete the answer, it is for naught if you don't LISTEN. Ask the question, listen for what is said and what is not said, ask follow up questions and really concentrate on what is being communicated to you. Don't be thinking of the next question, or a comment you want to make. LISTEN. Look into their eyes if you are face to face. Study the expression on their face, and how they position their body. If you are on the phone, you may want to make quick notes of comments that you wish to probe or clarify later.
Now, on to the questions themselves:
Character Questions
1. Please tell me a story of your childhood that helps me better understand the person you are today. This is my all-time favorite, no-fail question. Be prepared for humor, pathos, and even secret revelations of past embarassments and triumphs that they haven't thought of in years.
2. What do you feel is your greatest failure thus far, and what did you learn from it? This one could reveal financial difficulties, or relationship problems, career burps, or other life bumps in the road. Beware the person who will admit to no failures. Either they are not being honest with you, or masters of deceiving themselves.
3. The mate to the preceding question, And what do you feel is your greatest success? Listen to the answers here, and in #2 above. If they are career oriented and you want a homebody, there may be incompatibility.
4. Who has been the most influential person in your life, up till now, and why? If he says its his mother, you *might* want to find out, subtly, if he's still living with her. If it's the shop teacher that taught him how to build sturdy equipment, or the Boy Scout troop leader who taught him knots, you may well be on the right track!
5. What do you feel are your strengths, and what do you feel you would like to change or improve? Does he struggle with this answer? Or can he give you lists quickly, off the top of his head? This question is designed to evaluate how well he knows himself, and how comfortable he is sharing his downside, as well as his upside. Are the responses about physical characteristics, or personal traits?
6. How would you describe your personal values and beliefs? "Greed is good" tells you one thing. "The Golden Rule" tells you something else entirely.
7. If you could break one law, and *know* that you could get by with it and not be prosecuted, what would it be? Why? Violent crimes (rape, murder, etc.) would be red flags for me.
8. What are your life dreams and ambitions? How do the dreams and ambitions you have now compare to the ones you had 10-20-30 years ago? What do they want to do with their life? What have they accomplished thus far, of the goals they had set for themselves in early adulthood?
9. If i were to have lunch with the person with whom you were involved most recently, what would i know of you by the time we ordered dessert? This one gives you insight as to how relationships end, level of honesty, and whether you're apt to encounter any "baggage" from that last relationship.
10. What question are you dreading that i will ask? What are they hiding? What do they wish you not to know? What part of their personality would they prefer to closet? Whether you actually *ask* them this question is up to you. Personally, i couldn't stand not asking <chuckle>.
11. What question do you hope i will ask you? This gives the person the opportunity to tell you something they consider to be very important about them. Judge for yourself the worthiness of what they feel is important. i would definitely ask them to give you the answer to this one.
"Life" Questions
I'm skipping the standard questions that everyone customarily asks... Career choice, what do you look like (if a non-personal communication), pets, yadda yadda. Don't forget to ask those, as well.
1. I'd like to get more of a feel for you. What does your home look like? (Follow-up question) Is it a house, apartment, condo, or what? (If you are communicating online or on the phone) Describe the room you are in right now or Describe your favorite room of the house. This may yield clues to financial stability, whether his ex moved out and took all the furniture, if he lives in a pigsty, if he's anal-retentive about cleanliness...even if he's living in a spare room of his office. Don't laugh..it's happened to me!
2. Would you tell me a bit about the past relationships in your life? Listen for *how* the past involvements are described, as a whole. Are there any recurring themes here? Do they speak ill of EVERY past involvement? Do they remain friends with their ex's? Are they long term or a string of short term relationships? Ask followup questions and really probe and clarify this question. In this one, the past does tend to predict the future.
3. Why are you looking for a partner now? What is your current relationship status? In the past, i've used such probes as: "So... are there any crazy ex's in your life who are likely to serve me rabbit stew?" This is also a good time to ask about children, marital status, whether the person has any other submissives, if there's a messy divorce looming, etc. If he's married, does his spouse know of his D/s-BDSM interest? Does she share it, or is she vanilla? You will need to decide for yourself how important this issue is for you.
4. Do you face any health issues? (If yes).. What are they? Are there any physical limitations that might affect interactions between us? For example, a submissive friend of mine was speaking with a Dominant who, she found out later, was suffering the early stages of Alzheimers. People i have been with have admitted, afterward, of having suffered heart attacks. Good follow-up questions here are about smoking, alcohol intake, and use of recreational or prescription drugs.
This raises the "safer sex" question. i've found it easier to bring up the subject myself by saying "i am tested every 6 months for all STDs and HIV, and my most recent test was _____. How about you? Are you fluid-bound with anyone?" Make plans to exchange test results, or pledge to be tested before getting together, etc.
5. What do you like to do for leisure activities? Look for common interests. If you're a movie/reading/music couch potato, you may want to shy away from Master Crocodile Dundee.
6. How do you envision your life 5 years from now? 10 years? How will it differ, or be similar, to the life you are living today? Look for realistic life goals. See if they mesh with yours.
7. What kind of car do you drive, and why did you buy that one? Men tend to choose cars that reflect themselves or their life situation. If they drive a station wagon or minivan, that tells me "family". If they drive a Volvo, i tend to think "reliable and down-to-earth." Porsche tells me... "vrooooom and exhibitionist."
8. Describe two typical days for you... one of your work days, and one of your days off. This will tell you the level of responsibility he has at work, the kinds of stresses that he experiences, how involved he is in his job. It will also tell you the ways he unwinds.
9. What did you study in school? What were your favorite courses? Did you have any teachers who influenced you more than others? If they went to college or technical school, why did they choose the major or subject they did? Do they have any plans to continue their education?
10. What are your pet peeves? What really ticks you off? And how do you react when you're angry? This will give you a list of things to avoid, and also give an indication of their level of self-control over their anger.
"Lifestyle" Questions
There are several sites on the Net that include an extensive list of scene elements. BDSM Partner Checklist is the best organized and easy to use that i have found on the Web. If there are activities that either of you wish to do that are NOT on this list, don't forget to add them before completing the checklist.
For a pretty good indication of compatibility between you, i would suggest that you both complete this list, independently, and compare your answers. Talk about each answer. Get specifics about experience. "How many times do you think you've used a flog?" "Can you give me a sense of how hard you hit with a crop?" "I don't know what _____ is. Can you explain it to me?" As you're going through the list, ask which elements are "specialties of the house"...things he prefers to do, things he LOVES to do. This conversation alone could take hours--even days--and, if fully probed and clarified, will naturally lead to a discussion of limits, past experience, wants and desires.
If you are negotiating a one-time or casual interaction, at a minimum, you review this list and go through a discussion of "Must have / Don't want to try / Dying to try / NO WAY" of the scene elements that could be included.
If you are considering a long-term relationship, though, my recommendation is to wait a long time before dragging out the list. The discussion of specific elements and activities seems to intensify the feelings between the two, as the hormones get *really* involved at this stage. You want to stay objective as long as possible. Ask these kinds of questions first:
1. What are you looking for? This is a wide-open question, and it's intended to be probed, clarified, examined, re-asked and closely evaluated. Do they mention relationship?... the "f" word?... 24/7?... play partner?.. afternoon delight?... soulmate? ...an occasional play scene? How does the answer jibe with what you want?
2. What is your personal philosophy of (Dominance/submission)? Do you describe yourself as a Top, or Dominant, or Master-Mistress, and what do you feel is the difference among these? Why do you feel you are _____ as opposed to something else? Do these definitions match yours? There are so many different flavors in this lifestyle... D/s (dominance and submission)... BD (bondage and discipline)... SM (sadism and masochism)... varying intensities and levels of sensuality... even combinations of DS, BD, and SM... relationships with sexual contact, or without... It's very important to get this clarified right up front. i call it, making sure the kinks match.
3. Have you ever been a Dominant/submissive/Top/bottom/Master-Mistress/slave? (whatever is the opposite of whatever the person is today.) (If yes) Tell me more about that? What did you learn from that experience that you feel makes you a better (whatever the person is today.)? (If no) Why haven't you? Would you ever like to? Why or why not?
4. What is the most important advice you give to newcomers, both to Dominants and submissives, who are exploring D/s-BDSM? This will give you some insight as to how much they have counseled newcomers, as well as give you an idea of their perspective about what is important to them.
5. What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you during a scene? Asking this question will be an indication of the person's sense of humor, will get some specifics on the types of things that could come up.
6. How long have you been actively (Dominant/submissive) and how did you discover it? Watch out for the "i have been in the scene for 25 years" kind of answer, especially if the person is only 40 years old. Do the math. Probe to find out if that is continuous experience, or if there are lengthy retreats to the vanilla world.
7. Let's talk a bit about scenes. What's the most intense scene you've done? What's a "typical" scene for you? Has anyone ever gotten injured during a scene you were involved in? Describe a scene that you have always wanted to do, but haven't yet. What techniques or tools do you wish to learn? This will get to some discussion of likes and dislikes, as well as fantasies, and will also tell you if this prospective partner realizes that they "don't know it all."
8. How do you feel about polyamory? (having multiple submissives seems to be the most frequent model of polyamory) Is this something you would wish to experience? Have you had polyamorous relationships in the past? Talk this one through a LOT. This one's a biggie! And make sure *you* know how you would answer it for yourself, because it's almost guaranteed to be asked of you in return.
9. What is your sexual orientation? If there is any interest in same-sex interactions, either as a participant or observer? (if you are speaking to someone who is heterosexual)? If either party is interested in partaking of a wider sexual smorgasbord, how will those interests and desires be met within the relationship? Will you be *expected* to interact with others of the same sex?
10. What does a collar signify for you? How many times have you (given/received) a collar? There are those who feel a collar is tatamount to the lifetime commitment of a wedding ring; others think of it as a class ring, wrapped in mohair, to be removed and discarded on a whim.
11. If this is a relationship that will be conducted at a distance, find out What methods and techniques will you use to minimize the distance, to keep the connection strong between us? How often will we meet in person? Who will pay for travel expenses and long distance charges? It's better to get this discussion out of the way, because if it is a long-distance relationship, the issue is bound to come up.
12. How much control will be exerted within the relationship? Is it more a micromanagement style? (selecting clothes for the other, requiring constant contact, keeping daily time logs, etc.) A minimum amount of control? Will it be exerted at all times, or only when you are together, face-to-face? Are you comfortable with that?
13. What are your thoughts on punishment? What techniques does this person use to influence changes in unwanted behavior? Are they positive, reinforcing those things that please? Or are they punitive?
14. What will you expect of me? This question gets to "the rules" and design of the relationship. Can you accept these rules? What are his expectations in terms of "service" that you will provide? How will he expect you to dress? How will you be expected to behave in public? Does he expect you to scene in public, or will all of your interactions be private? Will humiliation be an aspect of the relationship? If so, what does he define as humiliation? Will you be expected to interact with others (either male or female) of his choosing? Will you be allowed to interact with others if you so choose?
15. If sex will be an element of the relationship, how do you define "sex"? This seems to be a pretty basic question, but you'll be surprised at the variety of answers to this one. Some have said, "the Clinton definition (penetration)"... others feel its anything beyond kissing... yet others have said, its anything that brings erotic pleasure. There's a lot of room for misunderstanding if you don't get it clear at the outset.
16. The last point is difficult, particularly for novices. If you are truly interested in a prospective partner, you will want to get the names of others who know this person *real time*, and better yet, those who have interacted with him or her. You might say, "It is my practice to ask for references before i meet/play with/scene with someone. Could you give me a couple of names and phone numbers?" If you both live in the same community, you could say, "I'm curious whether we might know some mutual people. Who do you know in the scene here?" "Do you belong to any of the local D/s-BDSM organizations?" If they tell you they frequent a particular chat room, you might visit that room and discretely ask about them. The community network is very active...use it to your benefit.
For this question especially, avoidance or dodging is a *major* red flag for me. i have heard some say, "I never reveal the names of my past encounters." That's well and good. Ask your prospective to get in touch with the reference, and ask him to give them YOUR name and get in touch with you.
In Closing
Thank you for taking the time to review this material. i'm sure that you have thought of questions of your own that have worked for you in the past, or will work for you in the future. You might want to drop a line (clairmatin@aol.com) to suggest questions of your own that would be included in updates to this site.
And i wish you much luck in your search and your exploration of this lifestyle! i truly hope these suggestions help you find someone qualified to stand behind a wood and leather spanking bench and ask "Do you want clamps with that?"
Protocols
Protocols-1
So, I just finished a discussion on Second life about protocols. We made it only through the first half because it was apparent that introductions were a big category not only to Dom/me's but to subs as well. So, I will summarize what the discussion was, and the outcome of the discussion.
The Sir, Vlad started the discussion with asking us,
How do we feel about protocols when it comes to introductions?
This being, for Dom/me's do you refer to a submissive as girl or boy, by their name, any other pet name. This doesn't mean just your personal sub, it goes towards all subs, and subs owned by others.
For subs, this meant for, do you call a Dom/me Sir, or Miss, or by their names, or anything at all.
So the replies and comments were vast. Many Dom/me's did not like their subs being called girl, or pet. In fact most found this to be rude and offensive. They all said, aside a few, that girl or pet was an intimate term reserved only for them, and that their subs were in fact human beings, and had names.
Now, my personal opinion about that, since I am a switch, I agree. I do not want someone calling Angel, girl, or pet, or anything else. She belongs to me, and as such only I can call her little pet names. The feelings behind this are, one, it is more intimate for her and I, and two I find it disrespectful to me, if anyone calls her anything else, without my permission.
Now, what the subs have said is that they tend to be respectful, and will call a Dom/me Sir or Miss, though some female subs had an issue with calling a female dom, Miss. All the subs did agree and said they would only call their owner, "Master". They also agreed, that they did not like other Dom/me's calling them girl etc. They said they felt the words like that in fact are something special and preferred to reserve the words for their Dom/me only.
My personal feelings again on this, as my sub side comes out is that, I call every Dom/me Sir or Miss, regardless. Now, if I was owned, I would have been instructed, hopefully by my owner, to call other Dom/me something respectful. However, I agree. I do have a name, and I am a person. Just because I am submissive, does not mean other Dom/me's should not be respectful to me as well. There is a difference between being Dominant, and Domineering. Which if you have read my blog from the beginning, know the signs of a Domineering person.
So, I just finished a discussion on Second life about protocols. We made it only through the first half because it was apparent that introductions were a big category not only to Dom/me's but to subs as well. So, I will summarize what the discussion was, and the outcome of the discussion.
The Sir, Vlad started the discussion with asking us,
How do we feel about protocols when it comes to introductions?
This being, for Dom/me's do you refer to a submissive as girl or boy, by their name, any other pet name. This doesn't mean just your personal sub, it goes towards all subs, and subs owned by others.
For subs, this meant for, do you call a Dom/me Sir, or Miss, or by their names, or anything at all.
So the replies and comments were vast. Many Dom/me's did not like their subs being called girl, or pet. In fact most found this to be rude and offensive. They all said, aside a few, that girl or pet was an intimate term reserved only for them, and that their subs were in fact human beings, and had names.
Now, my personal opinion about that, since I am a switch, I agree. I do not want someone calling Angel, girl, or pet, or anything else. She belongs to me, and as such only I can call her little pet names. The feelings behind this are, one, it is more intimate for her and I, and two I find it disrespectful to me, if anyone calls her anything else, without my permission.
Now, what the subs have said is that they tend to be respectful, and will call a Dom/me Sir or Miss, though some female subs had an issue with calling a female dom, Miss. All the subs did agree and said they would only call their owner, "Master". They also agreed, that they did not like other Dom/me's calling them girl etc. They said they felt the words like that in fact are something special and preferred to reserve the words for their Dom/me only.
My personal feelings again on this, as my sub side comes out is that, I call every Dom/me Sir or Miss, regardless. Now, if I was owned, I would have been instructed, hopefully by my owner, to call other Dom/me something respectful. However, I agree. I do have a name, and I am a person. Just because I am submissive, does not mean other Dom/me's should not be respectful to me as well. There is a difference between being Dominant, and Domineering. Which if you have read my blog from the beginning, know the signs of a Domineering person.
7 pleasing characteristics of a submissive
I wanted to add this, because submissives have a lot of trouble to remain pleasing at all times. I did not write this, again this information is passed to me by friends and mentors on Second life. So, feel free to pass this on, just make sure not to claim the work as your own, as that is plagiarism.
7 Pleasing Characteristics Of A Submissive by Lapp Topp
1. Honesty. This is very important to me. Without honesty, there can be no trust. Without trust D/s is nothing. On a safety note, be truthful in your desires, experience, fears and limits. I have seen many submissives tell "little" lies thinking it will make them more desirable. It usually ends up getting them hurt. If you have questions about what your Dom/me desires or expects, be honest and speak up. There is nothing wrong with asking questions respectfully, and is much preferable to looking ignorant. Remember, all Dom/mes are different. Don't assume because one wants you to wear stockings that another will enjoy them. Ask what he expects you to wear, how he expects you to act, what he prefers to be called, etc.
2. Submissiveness. While I enjoy the occasional SAM, I prefer my subs to submit. I want them to surrender their will to me. I like them to be polite, compliant, and to show me the respect I have earned. There is nothing that turns me off faster than a submissive trying to top from the bottom, or manipulate the scene. A polite, respectful "Mistress, if it pleases you, I would enjoy being spanked." is going to make that happen much sooner than intentional misbehavior.
3. Intelligence. Make intelligent choices about who you submit to, and how deep your submission goes. If it is a relationship situation, get to know the person as a friend before you consider submitting. If it is scene-play, get references and follow safety rules, watch them Top others, or play in the presence of people who can watch out for you. Out of role, intelligence goes a long way. Think, and share those thoughts with your Dom/me. Take time to find out what he is interested in, and get to know more on the subject. Keep up on current events and trends and be able to discuss them. Perhaps take up some of the same hobbies as your Dom/me. These are good relationship skills...be it vanilla or D/s.
4. Service. Find out what makes your Dom/me happy, and do your best to provide. It is your job to make your Dominant happy. If you will be serving him food, find out what he likes to eat, and how he likes it served. Find out what his turn-on and turn-offs are. If it is your responsibility to set things up for the scene, find out what he requires, and have everything handy. Don't be sloppy in your service, and don't make your Top have to tell you a preference more than once. If I have to tell a sub two times that I like my coffee with cream and sugar, it gives me the impression that she is not thinking, or just doesn't care. This is not at all pleasing. Put some thought and creativity into your service. Listen when he tells you his fantasies and dreams, and try to fulfill his desires. Be observant. If you have the chance, study his surroundings for clues on the type of things he enjoys. Does he have candles sitting out? Make sure you have some at your place, too. What kind of toiletries does he use? Buy them and have them ready for him when he visits. What does he like to drink? Make sure you keep it on hand.
5. Communication. Contrary to what some believe, Dominants are not psychics. It is frustrating to have to try and figure out everything that pushes your sub's buttons. I would much rather have my sub tell me her fantasies so I can store the info to use when I choose, than have to guess. I don't like to play with subs that constantly say "Whatever pleases you, Mistress". If she is not enjoying it, chances are I won't be enjoying it, either. Admittedly, I am occasionally selfish, and enjoy only what I want, but not 100% of the time.
6. Self Respect. Value yourself. There is no thrill in dominating a doormat, or someone that thinks so little of themselves they will submit to anyone at anytime.
7. Patience. I have often been told that patience is the mark of a good submissive. I have also been told that this is something I need to work on. I guess I will have to get back to you on this one. I do know that the best things are worth waiting for, and pushy, demanding submissives are really not submissives at all. So, patience is something
7 Pleasing Characteristics Of A Submissive by Lapp Topp
1. Honesty. This is very important to me. Without honesty, there can be no trust. Without trust D/s is nothing. On a safety note, be truthful in your desires, experience, fears and limits. I have seen many submissives tell "little" lies thinking it will make them more desirable. It usually ends up getting them hurt. If you have questions about what your Dom/me desires or expects, be honest and speak up. There is nothing wrong with asking questions respectfully, and is much preferable to looking ignorant. Remember, all Dom/mes are different. Don't assume because one wants you to wear stockings that another will enjoy them. Ask what he expects you to wear, how he expects you to act, what he prefers to be called, etc.
2. Submissiveness. While I enjoy the occasional SAM, I prefer my subs to submit. I want them to surrender their will to me. I like them to be polite, compliant, and to show me the respect I have earned. There is nothing that turns me off faster than a submissive trying to top from the bottom, or manipulate the scene. A polite, respectful "Mistress, if it pleases you, I would enjoy being spanked." is going to make that happen much sooner than intentional misbehavior.
3. Intelligence. Make intelligent choices about who you submit to, and how deep your submission goes. If it is a relationship situation, get to know the person as a friend before you consider submitting. If it is scene-play, get references and follow safety rules, watch them Top others, or play in the presence of people who can watch out for you. Out of role, intelligence goes a long way. Think, and share those thoughts with your Dom/me. Take time to find out what he is interested in, and get to know more on the subject. Keep up on current events and trends and be able to discuss them. Perhaps take up some of the same hobbies as your Dom/me. These are good relationship skills...be it vanilla or D/s.
4. Service. Find out what makes your Dom/me happy, and do your best to provide. It is your job to make your Dominant happy. If you will be serving him food, find out what he likes to eat, and how he likes it served. Find out what his turn-on and turn-offs are. If it is your responsibility to set things up for the scene, find out what he requires, and have everything handy. Don't be sloppy in your service, and don't make your Top have to tell you a preference more than once. If I have to tell a sub two times that I like my coffee with cream and sugar, it gives me the impression that she is not thinking, or just doesn't care. This is not at all pleasing. Put some thought and creativity into your service. Listen when he tells you his fantasies and dreams, and try to fulfill his desires. Be observant. If you have the chance, study his surroundings for clues on the type of things he enjoys. Does he have candles sitting out? Make sure you have some at your place, too. What kind of toiletries does he use? Buy them and have them ready for him when he visits. What does he like to drink? Make sure you keep it on hand.
5. Communication. Contrary to what some believe, Dominants are not psychics. It is frustrating to have to try and figure out everything that pushes your sub's buttons. I would much rather have my sub tell me her fantasies so I can store the info to use when I choose, than have to guess. I don't like to play with subs that constantly say "Whatever pleases you, Mistress". If she is not enjoying it, chances are I won't be enjoying it, either. Admittedly, I am occasionally selfish, and enjoy only what I want, but not 100% of the time.
6. Self Respect. Value yourself. There is no thrill in dominating a doormat, or someone that thinks so little of themselves they will submit to anyone at anytime.
7. Patience. I have often been told that patience is the mark of a good submissive. I have also been told that this is something I need to work on. I guess I will have to get back to you on this one. I do know that the best things are worth waiting for, and pushy, demanding submissives are really not submissives at all. So, patience is something
BDSM Basics
WHAT IS BDSM ?
- The term is an acronym. It stands for Bondage & Discipine, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.
- BDSM are activities that evolve around the mentioned terms.
- Examples: It can range from basic things to spice up the intimacy, such as spankings, to more "advanced" ones such as whips and even to living the BDSM lifestyle. Which one you choose is entirely up to you and your partner, no right or wrong.
BASIC TERMS:
- Top: a partner who takes the giving part in a situation / play.
- Dom (Domme for female): a partner who takes the dominant part in a relationship / lifestyle.
- Master/Mistress: usually reserved title for our dominant partner.
- Bottom: a partner who takes the receiving part in a situation / play.
- Sub/slave: a partner who takes the submissive part in a relationship / lifestyle.
ARE THEY ANY RULES? Oh yes, of course.
- SSC: meaning Safe, Sane, Consensual. Activities have to be considered safe and sane by both, the consensual part is the most important.
- LIMITS - have to be respected at all times.
- - Soft limits: things we won't do, but if the time/place/partner is right, we could try.
- - Hard limits: things we don't do. Period. Not now, not in 100 years.
- SAFEWORDS: pre-agreed words/signs used when things go wrong and the play needs to be stopped. Anyone can call them at any time. Absolutely to be respected, otherwise things can go wrong very badly. Examples: feeling dizzy, the spankings are too hard, you remembered the owen is on ...
- AFTERCARE: Activities to do after a play sceene to "get back to normal". Have cold water handy, make the partner comfy, rub their limbs, etc. Aftercare is applied for both, not just the receiving partner, because it takes mental/physical toll on the giving/dominant partner also.
- ETIQUETTE: Rules employed by specific groups. Learn them if you want to be in their presence, respect them and don't tell them the rules are stupid. You can choose not to be there.
- "THE TAKEN RULE": If you see someone has a partner, stay away. Would you want your partner to be harrased all the time ? See?
ANYTHING ELSE? Yup – tips to start:
- If you already have a partner: Start by having your eyes tied with a silk scarf while making love, tie his hands behind his/her back softly, ask them to not move at all while pleasuring them, etc.
- If you don't have a partner: Now that you discovered this wonderfull world - DO NOT RUSH. Find a suitable partner. Yes, they exist. If you rush, you won't get what you seek for, because the partner won't fit. Take your time, get to know them.
Good luck and many happy moments.
Your
D/s Learning Hall Staff
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Notecard created by
D/s Learning Hall Staff @ Iddi Wardell's D/s Learning Hall
(Notcard may be freely distributed for non-commercial use but we ask you to not remove this footer.)
- The term is an acronym. It stands for Bondage & Discipine, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.
- BDSM are activities that evolve around the mentioned terms.
- Examples: It can range from basic things to spice up the intimacy, such as spankings, to more "advanced" ones such as whips and even to living the BDSM lifestyle. Which one you choose is entirely up to you and your partner, no right or wrong.
BASIC TERMS:
- Top: a partner who takes the giving part in a situation / play.
- Dom (Domme for female): a partner who takes the dominant part in a relationship / lifestyle.
- Master/Mistress: usually reserved title for our dominant partner.
- Bottom: a partner who takes the receiving part in a situation / play.
- Sub/slave: a partner who takes the submissive part in a relationship / lifestyle.
ARE THEY ANY RULES? Oh yes, of course.
- SSC: meaning Safe, Sane, Consensual. Activities have to be considered safe and sane by both, the consensual part is the most important.
- LIMITS - have to be respected at all times.
- - Soft limits: things we won't do, but if the time/place/partner is right, we could try.
- - Hard limits: things we don't do. Period. Not now, not in 100 years.
- SAFEWORDS: pre-agreed words/signs used when things go wrong and the play needs to be stopped. Anyone can call them at any time. Absolutely to be respected, otherwise things can go wrong very badly. Examples: feeling dizzy, the spankings are too hard, you remembered the owen is on ...
- AFTERCARE: Activities to do after a play sceene to "get back to normal". Have cold water handy, make the partner comfy, rub their limbs, etc. Aftercare is applied for both, not just the receiving partner, because it takes mental/physical toll on the giving/dominant partner also.
- ETIQUETTE: Rules employed by specific groups. Learn them if you want to be in their presence, respect them and don't tell them the rules are stupid. You can choose not to be there.
- "THE TAKEN RULE": If you see someone has a partner, stay away. Would you want your partner to be harrased all the time ? See?
ANYTHING ELSE? Yup – tips to start:
- If you already have a partner: Start by having your eyes tied with a silk scarf while making love, tie his hands behind his/her back softly, ask them to not move at all while pleasuring them, etc.
- If you don't have a partner: Now that you discovered this wonderfull world - DO NOT RUSH. Find a suitable partner. Yes, they exist. If you rush, you won't get what you seek for, because the partner won't fit. Take your time, get to know them.
Good luck and many happy moments.
Your
D/s Learning Hall Staff
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Notecard created by
D/s Learning Hall Staff @ Iddi Wardell's D/s Learning Hall
(Notcard may be freely distributed for non-commercial use but we ask you to not remove this footer.)
Dominant vs Domineering
Dominant vs Domineering *Red Flag List*
Ok, so I found this while browsing some chat groups in Second life. In fact I find this to be very helpful when evaluating, not just a D/s relationship, but a regular one too. So please copy and pass the information, just make sure to give credit where it is due. A lovely person named Saikiji Kitalpha *second life name* wrote this. Do not say this work is your own, as it is plagiarism, and can result in a law suit.
The term "Red Flag" is used to describe a personal trait or behaviour that is common in people who are harmful to others. When getting to know someone new it is very important to look for these warning signs, as they may mean something is very wrong, even horribly wrong. Red flags can apply to any gender, or any role or relationship. Dom, sub, male, female, trans, switch, hetero, homo, bi, pan, frienships, d/s relationships, marriages, relatives, work relationships, etc. They are not specific to any gender, orientation, or relationship.
It is also important to understand that none of these red flags on their own are a sign of an abusive or dangerous situation or person, especially in isolated incidents. Anyone can make a mistake, have a bad day or simply misunderstand or misinterpret. Some red flags merely indicate a need for discussion, or discovery. Others indicate that it is time to get out of the relationship immediately.
What you are looking for are groups of repeating, negative behaviors. It is important to take your time in establishing new relationships as it may take time for these behaviors or patterns to emerge. When you see these red flags, slow down or even stop the relationship to assess your situation. Generally, the more red flag behaviors you observe in a person, the more often you see them and the quicker they emerge in a new relationship, the more at risk you are from being emotionally and/or physically harmed by this person.
[Categories]
[Isolating]
• Tries to limit your access to others in your life friends, family, BDSM community.
• Forbids contact with others or undermines relationships or activities with others.
• Is negative and un-supportive of other relationships you have.
• Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
• Controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in.
• May want you to quit your job, give up your car or telephone.
• Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
• Calls and visits unexpectedly on a regular basis.
• Refuses to allow you a safe call.
• Becomes angry if you show signs of independence or strength.
[Deceptive]
• Is reluctant to give you personal and factual information about themselves.
• Refuses to give their marital status before a meeting.
• Gives inconsistent or conflicting information or details about themselves or past events.
• When you ask personal questions, gets angry, changes the topic, ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
• Gets mad if you ask for references or want ask others about them.
• Has very limited times/places/methods where you are able to contact them and gets angry if you try to contact them outside of those conditions.
• Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
• Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
• Cheats on you.
• Gives the impression of being very successful without any evidence of real success.
• Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Are evasive about their activities, especialy unexplained absences.
• Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
• Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
[Socialization]
• Critical of the BDSM community.
• Critical of multiple respected members of the BDSM community.
• Has multiple interpersonal conflicts within the BDSM community.
• Refuses to participate in the BDSM community.
• Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to, and becomes angry if you ask for them.
• Has no friendships or refuses contact with their family.
[Insecure]
• Is always exaggerating.
• Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
• They resort to extreme measures to prove that they are not at fault.
• Does not take personal responsibility, or acknowledge their own mistakes.
• Their apologies feels insincere, phony, or is insulting in nature.
• Puts you down in front of other people.
• Is constantly comparing themselves to others.
• Brags excessively about their experience, scene credentials, mastery, training, scene name dropping.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like, Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Never shows you their human side. Hides their vulnerabilities or behave in an emotionless manner.
• Hides behind their D/s authority, says that their authority should not be questioned.
[Disrespectful]
• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
• Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
• Displays little concern or awareness of the feelings or needs of others.
• Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
• Obvious and excessive displays of impatience.
• Believe that they are deserving of some particular reward or benefit even at the expense of others.
[Manipulative]
• Tries to make you feel guilty for not being "good enough".
• Says that you are not a true sub/slave/dom.
• Belittles your ideas.
• Blames you for your hurt feelings.
• Tries to make you think that relationship problems are your fault.
• Yells or by threatens to withdraw their love/leave you if you do not do as he/she wishes?
[Inconsistent]
• Consistently breaks promises.
• Makes plans then makes excuses for not meeting.
• Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Goes through extreme highs (behaving with great kindness) and pronounced lows (behaving with cruelty), almost as though they are two distinctly different people.
[Domineering]
• Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
• Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
• Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a sexual relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a poly relationship too fast.
• Overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention.
• Insists a safe word is not necessary.
[Intemperate]
• Conspicuous consumption: spending largely and inappropriately on luxury items.
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
• Gambles excessively.
• Is constantly asking for money or material goods from you or others.
• Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
• Begins saying things like, "I can't live without you."
• Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
[Tempermental]
• Loses control of their emotions in arguments. Raises their voice, yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Uses force or violence to solve problems?
• Punch walls or throw things when they’re upset.
• Turns on their peers, going quickly from "best friend" to "arch enemy", often for trivial or imagined reasons.
• Displays a disproportionately negative reaction to being told "no".
• Holds excessive grudges against others and goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
• Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Hypersensitive and easily upset by annoyances that are part of daily life.
[Conditioned]
• Were an abuse victim themselves, and may be abusive as a learned behavior.
• May exhibit cruel behavior towards animals.
• Might admit to hitting a partner in the past, but claims the partner "made" him/her do it.
Ok, so I found this while browsing some chat groups in Second life. In fact I find this to be very helpful when evaluating, not just a D/s relationship, but a regular one too. So please copy and pass the information, just make sure to give credit where it is due. A lovely person named Saikiji Kitalpha *second life name* wrote this. Do not say this work is your own, as it is plagiarism, and can result in a law suit.
The term "Red Flag" is used to describe a personal trait or behaviour that is common in people who are harmful to others. When getting to know someone new it is very important to look for these warning signs, as they may mean something is very wrong, even horribly wrong. Red flags can apply to any gender, or any role or relationship. Dom, sub, male, female, trans, switch, hetero, homo, bi, pan, frienships, d/s relationships, marriages, relatives, work relationships, etc. They are not specific to any gender, orientation, or relationship.
It is also important to understand that none of these red flags on their own are a sign of an abusive or dangerous situation or person, especially in isolated incidents. Anyone can make a mistake, have a bad day or simply misunderstand or misinterpret. Some red flags merely indicate a need for discussion, or discovery. Others indicate that it is time to get out of the relationship immediately.
What you are looking for are groups of repeating, negative behaviors. It is important to take your time in establishing new relationships as it may take time for these behaviors or patterns to emerge. When you see these red flags, slow down or even stop the relationship to assess your situation. Generally, the more red flag behaviors you observe in a person, the more often you see them and the quicker they emerge in a new relationship, the more at risk you are from being emotionally and/or physically harmed by this person.
[Categories]
[Isolating]
• Tries to limit your access to others in your life friends, family, BDSM community.
• Forbids contact with others or undermines relationships or activities with others.
• Is negative and un-supportive of other relationships you have.
• Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
• Controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in.
• May want you to quit your job, give up your car or telephone.
• Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
• Calls and visits unexpectedly on a regular basis.
• Refuses to allow you a safe call.
• Becomes angry if you show signs of independence or strength.
[Deceptive]
• Is reluctant to give you personal and factual information about themselves.
• Refuses to give their marital status before a meeting.
• Gives inconsistent or conflicting information or details about themselves or past events.
• When you ask personal questions, gets angry, changes the topic, ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
• Gets mad if you ask for references or want ask others about them.
• Has very limited times/places/methods where you are able to contact them and gets angry if you try to contact them outside of those conditions.
• Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
• Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
• Cheats on you.
• Gives the impression of being very successful without any evidence of real success.
• Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Are evasive about their activities, especialy unexplained absences.
• Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
• Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
[Socialization]
• Critical of the BDSM community.
• Critical of multiple respected members of the BDSM community.
• Has multiple interpersonal conflicts within the BDSM community.
• Refuses to participate in the BDSM community.
• Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to, and becomes angry if you ask for them.
• Has no friendships or refuses contact with their family.
[Insecure]
• Is always exaggerating.
• Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
• They resort to extreme measures to prove that they are not at fault.
• Does not take personal responsibility, or acknowledge their own mistakes.
• Their apologies feels insincere, phony, or is insulting in nature.
• Puts you down in front of other people.
• Is constantly comparing themselves to others.
• Brags excessively about their experience, scene credentials, mastery, training, scene name dropping.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like, Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Never shows you their human side. Hides their vulnerabilities or behave in an emotionless manner.
• Hides behind their D/s authority, says that their authority should not be questioned.
[Disrespectful]
• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
• Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
• Displays little concern or awareness of the feelings or needs of others.
• Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
• Obvious and excessive displays of impatience.
• Believe that they are deserving of some particular reward or benefit even at the expense of others.
[Manipulative]
• Tries to make you feel guilty for not being "good enough".
• Says that you are not a true sub/slave/dom.
• Belittles your ideas.
• Blames you for your hurt feelings.
• Tries to make you think that relationship problems are your fault.
• Yells or by threatens to withdraw their love/leave you if you do not do as he/she wishes?
[Inconsistent]
• Consistently breaks promises.
• Makes plans then makes excuses for not meeting.
• Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Goes through extreme highs (behaving with great kindness) and pronounced lows (behaving with cruelty), almost as though they are two distinctly different people.
[Domineering]
• Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
• Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
• Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a sexual relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a poly relationship too fast.
• Overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention.
• Insists a safe word is not necessary.
[Intemperate]
• Conspicuous consumption: spending largely and inappropriately on luxury items.
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
• Gambles excessively.
• Is constantly asking for money or material goods from you or others.
• Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
• Begins saying things like, "I can't live without you."
• Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
[Tempermental]
• Loses control of their emotions in arguments. Raises their voice, yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Uses force or violence to solve problems?
• Punch walls or throw things when they’re upset.
• Turns on their peers, going quickly from "best friend" to "arch enemy", often for trivial or imagined reasons.
• Displays a disproportionately negative reaction to being told "no".
• Holds excessive grudges against others and goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
• Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Hypersensitive and easily upset by annoyances that are part of daily life.
[Conditioned]
• Were an abuse victim themselves, and may be abusive as a learned behavior.
• May exhibit cruel behavior towards animals.
• Might admit to hitting a partner in the past, but claims the partner "made" him/her do it.
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